Part 2 of 3 - The One Where the Internet has made me Doubt Everything.

 This is a bit of a funny one, but also goes towards explaining why I've been feeling like I have. Health issues aside, I have been feeling extremely disheartened by reading so much hate on social media. 

As a disabled person, unfortunately I am used to reading hateful comments about people like me. How we are frauds, scroungers, benefit cheats, lazy, faking, blah blah. Add in the stuff about how we apparently get free houses, free cars, loads of money etc, and it all becomes a bit much. It has been worse recently due to the announcement of potential changes to PIP payments, and all the bigots have come out of the woodwork to spew their bile. 

It's quite hard to read so much hate, directed at people like me. Especially when you're feeling rotten, confined to bed and wishing desperately you could be normal. All I want to do is work, make something of my business, dye yarn and cover my bills, but apparently I am lazy. I've always worked. I have achieved so much in my education, and I have lost everything, including my professional career, due to getting ill. 

Why would I choose this life? Why would I choose the pain, the loneliness, the restrictions, the lack of income, the feeling that I am a useless burden? The guilt. Oh, the guilt. It baffles me how people can choose to hate people who already struggle so much, let alone make this hatred so public. Funnily enough, it's the same people who hate other vulnerable people too. You know the ones? The type who want to stop the "Boat People" and take care of "Are own". Only they don't really want to take care of anyone, because they hate "their own" just as much as they hate everyone else. 

Anyway, I was feeling down about seeing so much hate, and then I discovered a page on Reddit, dedicated to making horrid comments about yarn dyers, pattern designers etc. Although I didn't read anything about myself personally, I read some things about people I know and like, and I was horrified. 

Not only that, but I also read some awful comments about yarn dyers in general, about yarn advents, about yarn YouTubers, just picking at everything. 

Some of the comments were about how yarn dyers who personalise their ball bands to fit their "theme" are a joke. There was lots of talk about dyers who add little gifts, like a nice tea bag, a packet of sweets or stitch marker. Comments were moaning about how they didn't want any of these things and they went straight in the bin. It was an eye-opening read, and made me question everything. 

I personalise my ball bands for my yarn club. I include free stickers and stitch markers. I spend a lot of time making the extras, designing the graphics, creating the stitch markers etc, and it's part of the enjoyment for me. I had no idea that people hate this, especially as when I buy yarn, I love to receive the little extras! 

What also hurt, was the comments about how yarn advents are a waste of money, anyone who buys them is stupid, dyers who sell advents are conning people, etc. This is my first year of selling advents. I have only opened ten slots, because I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I think that for what I'm including, and the amount of planning and work it will take, my price is very reasonable. It has made me feel disheartened, and I was so looking forward to Advent. 

Lastly, there were posts about how yarn dyers are supposed to be professionals running businesses, and that no one wants to see or hear about their personal lives, witness their "Sob Stories", see things like them stirring their coffee on YouTube, and engaging with their customer as though they are their friends. 

I don't know about you, but my Instagram account was started as a way to connect with other people who love the same things as I do. People who inspire me, who create beautiful things, who let us into their lives and even become friends. I love seeing people's lives in Vlogs - it makes me feel connected to the outside world, when my own world is so small. I love chatting to other fibre artists, and yes, I really do count some of you as my friends. 

My social media will always be first and foremost a place to connect with others, share things I have made, learn from more experienced people and admire the work of fellow crafters. I don't want my account to be "professional". I want it to be somewhere people can connect, chat and share, not somewhere I am a faceless entity who only operates in business talk. That's not what it's about for me. 

So, yes. A combination of hate towards disabled people and hate towards yarn dyers has added to my already dwindling motivation and resulted in a very unhappy Charlotte. I thought the craft world was safe. It has always been a place to escape the hate, not experience more. I am disappointed. 

What will I do about it? Nothing, really. Carry on as I am, I suppose. Try not to let it get me down. Know that I an not lazy, I am doing all I can, and that people who hate have issues of their own. It's hard, though. I feel like I have no fight left to rise up and challenge things. I hope one day, my fight will return.